Smart Is Beautiful

True Confessions of a Diet Cokaholic

My name is _ _ _ _ _ and I’m a Diet Coke-aholic. I love it. It is the nectar of the gods and the elixir of the goddesses. I love the way it burns my throat and makes my eyes water. I love the way it makes my mouth feel cleaned out from all other tastes.

I love the red and white swoop and I can still sing the jingle from the 80’s, Diiet Co-oke is onuva Ki-ind, You-u can look but you’ll nee-ver fi-ind, A taste that tayastes like Dii-et Coke…actually that’s all I know but I do remember being about 14 years old and thinking I was way cool bcz I drank Diet Coke and my parents were “so-oo 1970’s” bcz they drank iced tea they MADE AT HOME for God’s sake!

But as I sit here blogging, sipping the sugar free, Wal-Mart brand of Chrystal Lite iced tea with lemon…I realize WHY they drank iced tea all the time instead of Diet Coke. It’s all about hauling in the groceries from the car. The older I get, the less I feel like it’s worth dragging the 15 bags of two-liters up the stairs, into my house and into my fridge. So when I run out…as I did today, I settle for my generic brand iced tea.

And I’ll be honest, I usually buy the Wal-Mart brand of Diet Coke anyway…or as my roommates from eastern Kentucky used to say, “Diet Brown Pop,” so as not to be confused with Clear Pop (Sprite) or Yellow Pop (Mountain Dew). The Wal-Mart brand is like 50¢ as compared to over a dollar for the name brand pop and sistah needs a new pair of boots for winter…they’re brown leather and suede and I’ve gotta get ‘em.

Of course, it will take me 200 bottles of Wal-Mart Diet Brown Pop to save enough money to buy the boots. And if I apply myself, I can drink a two-litre a day so…I can prolly buy ‘em right after Christmas…but who am I bullshitting? I’ll buy the boots as soon as the weather turns and I think I can do it without my husband’s head exploding because I’m bringing yet another pair of shoes in this house.

But on to a subject that’s a bit gross but fascinating…I didn’t take a shower today because I didn’t have to go out on any sales appointments so I just worked in my office on the phone. Well, as ya’ll know, yesterday I had a slam-o-gram first thing in the morning. Well, for those of you who are too young or have too much of a penis to have had a mammogram, you’re not supposed to wear baby powder or deodorant when you get the test bcz it can mess up the results.

So, yesterday morning I did NOT put on deodorant and forgot to put some on when I got home. When I changed for bed, I didn’t smell anything so I never even though about it. But today, after going almost two days without deodorant, I’ve got some stinkin’ pits. No big surprise in that but what always amazes me is how much the smell of stinky armpits reminds me of junior high school boys! It immediately makes me want to go brush my braces in the sink in the girls room and write my BFF a note folded into a origami-like design then go listen to some Rick Springfield albums.

It’s like, I’m a girl so I’m not supposed to ever smell that way (that sounds totally Square Pegs, totally!). But alas, I guess we all smell the same under the arms when our roll-on has rolled off, as my Daddy used to say. And it used to make men hot I guess because Napoleon used to ask Josephine not to bathe herself for several weeks before he came home from the wars so he could enjoy her “natural essences.”

And maybe some people don’t need it. My friend Susan said her Dad never wore deo and never smelled either. I don’t remember ever smelling him when I was around him. My mother said my grandmother didn’t wear deodorant until after menopause bcz she never had to…omg, I’m not peri-menopausal, am I?

When the hell does that start anyway…late 30’s, right? I know that, according to my gynie, I’m of “advanced maternal age” so I guess that may be a synonym-type phrase…who knows.

So, tonight’s blog has gone from one type of liquid to another…I guess they could be one in the same if you think about it. First you drink Diet Coke or Diet Brown Pop and eventually it’s eliminated from our system via pee-pee or even sweat…weird…the circle of life I guess…

But one more thing…I have a new favorite song…it’s called “Enough” and it’s by Barlowgirl. Here’s a link: http://www.barlowgirl.com/.

But for ya’ll who aren’t into Contemporary Christian, here’s my Country favorite: “Leave the Pieces” by The Wreckers (the duo with Michelle Branch) and here’s their link: http://www.thewreckers.com/.

For my fave pop/rock jam out, girl-power, I’m a sexy diva song: “Don’t Cha” from the Pussycat Dolls. No need for a link bcz everybody already knows them. They’re like the new Spice Girls only there’s more of them!

But the QUEEN of HOT right now (who I think is the new Cher bcz she dresses so outrageously and just doesn’t give a shit) is Christina Aquilera’s “Ain’t No Other Man” and “Still Dirty” from the Back to Basics album. It’s the best damn thing I’ve heard in YEARS, especially bcz the second CD is so original…I especially like “Nasty Naughty Boy” and “Candyman” bcz they’re so 1940’s pin-up, I’m gonna do a strip tease and drive you crazy type of song. Here’s her link: http://www.christinaaguilera.com/. She makes me wanna bleach my hair white blonde…and buy a lot of thigh high stockings…I don’t think the hub likes thigh highs, or much lingerie at all for that matter…I asked him one time if he wanted me to go upstairs and put on something sexy and he said, “What, nothing at all?” Guess I could be spending my lingerie money on shoes - how cool is THAT!?!

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