Dec 07 2008
Friendship Break-Ups
Breaking Up With a Friend Hurts Too
For the past month or so, I’ve been angst-ridden over a falling out with one of my friends. She’s older than me but is in a major financial bind and is without a car. I became a taxi service for her almost every Saturday.
After she laid a big guilt trip on me for not picking her up one day to go to WalMart, I started to ignore her phone calls (yes, I know this is passive-aggressive behavior). But ya know, sometimes I just want to lay my big ass up on the couch on Saturdays, not wash my hair, read a book in bed all day, have marathon sex with my husband (yeah, right!), or maybe even do some housecleaning…okay, I’m cracking myself up bcz at least two of these usually NEVER happen but I’d like to keep the option open, instead of carting my friend all over the place.
Saying no without giving excuses is the hardest thing in the world to do. I suck at it. I make shit up if I just don’t WANT to do something, you know? I have a friend who moved out of town that used to always preface her asking-me-to-do-something-with-her calls with the phrase, “What are you doing Saturday night?” I FREAKIN’ HATE THAT!
I usually don’t have big plans on a Saturday night bcz I’m an old married chick and all my GFs (girl friends) are either single or have kids so there’s not a lot we can do together. Plus my husband plays in a band and has gigs a lot on Saturday nights so sometimes we have a date planned when he’s free. It may be a date on our couch with Chinese and a DVD but it’s time together in our own little way.
Anyway, if I don’t know what my friend is going to suggest, how can I say I’m doing nothing but then tell her I DON’T want to do something with or for her? Regardless, here’s a copy of the email I sent my friend…would really love to have your feedback:
I’m doing some emotional housecleaning so let me start by apologizing for my passive-aggressive behavior I’ve been exhibiting towards you lately. It’s immature and that has weighed heavily on my mind.I couldn’t find the words to tell you that I would be unable to give you a ride here or there. I’m not good at telling people that I can’t do things…I guess because I fear that they’ll no longer “like me.” Typically, I tend to agree then back out or make up an excuse as to why I can’t do something.
After the time when I didn’t pick you up as I’d promised, I’ve felt uncomfortable about our friendship. Actually, I’ve been a little uncomfortable about it for a while…ever since you went with me to that women’s thing at my church.
Your comments to me about my outspoken participation bothered me. I’m not sure how you meant them, but they seemed to be coming from someone who was a mentor to me, not as a friend. Since you said those things, my confidence has been undermined and I’ve felt like I couldn’t be myself for fear of saying the wrong thing and having it hinder my personal gain in the relationships formed with these women.
This isn’t how I want to live. My friendships aren’t based on personal gain and self-expression is so much a part of me that to bottle it up almost makes me physically ill. I know I’ve bothered some people with my comments over the years. I spent my teens listening to my mother tell me to, “Think before you speak Kelly!” And I’m actually a lot better now as an adult than I was twenty years ago.
I made peace with my big mouth a long time ago and I’m well aware of how much it can get me in trouble. Case and point - losing the magazine. But my forthright personality is part of who I am intrinsically and I have to be true to myself in order to have any peace in my life.
So, what I want to say is that I feel that you’ve taken advantage of our friendship. I know you probably didn’t mean for me to take it that way, and I didn’t until you laid the guilt trip on me after the time when I didn’t pick you up as I’d promised. While I deserved to be called out for letting you down, as a friend, I didn’t deserve to be held accountable for your comfort. For me, only my immediate family is allowed to expect that much from me.
I thought I may be overreacting until you left me messages about how you STILL didn’t have your blood pressure medicine a week after you were supposed to get it and you didn’t know what you were going to do. This made it seem like it was MY responsibility to take you out there when I’m sure there are other ways for you to get something that is as important as medicine. And I still look at the CVS that’s within walking distance from your house and wonder why, if you’re in an absolute bind and can’t get to Costco, you couldn’t bite the bullet and go there for your meds.
Anyway, I feel like the friendship has become very one-sided with me doing the giving and you doing the taking. The least I expect is a listening, non-judgmental ear of a friend for my issues and problems and I don’t feel that I get that from you anymore. I had even mentioned getting your help with cleaning my house in payback for free taxi service and you ignored the comment, making me think you may feel like that’s below you. I saw it as a trade of favors between friends like I have with Barb…I baby-sit and she takes me out to dinner or gives me gift certificates.
I’m not sure where our friendship will go after your read this. If you’re angry at me, we can just let it lie and leave things as an “I know her, she’s a great business person, haven’t seen her in a long time” type of thing. If you feel like we were both at fault here and can continue to be friends without it being one sided, then I’d love to hear back from you.
